Sunday, September 24, 2006

St. Bernhard

Der große Sankt Bernhard - I had searched for this image, and I'd been ever so pleased when I found it. Because it shows the pass and it shows a motorbike. I wanted it for the 'cover' of a CD I was putting together for a friend of mine. A friend who was into motorbikes and who was called Bernhard, or Bernd for short. I never made it. I never got it done. I've got the playlist, yes. But it was too long. It needed decisions - I'm useless at decisions. And now he's dead. Dead and gone. Forever and ever. At his own hand. In the most horrid way possible.

I'm not the one who found him - and yet, I cannot get rid of the picture. How can it ever go away? How on earth could that have been the end of Bernd? The most vivacious, fun-loving, easy-going bloke you could ever come across. He was kind, funny, andthe sort of person you'd call a real brick. His giggly laugh is inimitable and unforgettable.

We're all devastated. -- If you know anyone with a heart disease who seems unusually low, PLEASE do all you can to make him/her see someone who's aware of the connection between heart disease and depression. There's only an 80% chance that treatment will work -- but we didn't even think it was depression. He just seemed low, subdued, not quite the same. It seemed understandable after a heart-attack at 39. We didn't realise it was depression. We didn't know there's a connection.

I think I was 14 when I first met him, and 17 when I went out with him. Going to his funeral was like burying my youth.


Barbara said...

Hi Zabeena - I just dropped by to see what you were up to. I'm sorry for your loss. How devastating for you and all his friends. I think any major illness brings depression with it. My cancer counsellor once said to me heart patients suffer similar fears to cancer patients. Hugs from me.

Zabeena said...

Hi Barbara - thank you so much for your hugs! Big cyberhugs back to you!! Of course, it makes total sense; and of course we knew that he was a changed person, but we didn't realise that it was a fully-fledged depression...
He used to be such a happy-go-lucky person, the very last person you'd expect to end like this.

Jeanne said...

Oh what a sad but beautiful post - I love the final lines. I think depression related to long-term illness is very much disregarded - I saw it with my mom on dialysis. The doctors routinely treated the ailment, not the patient as a person - kind of like "you're still alive - what do you have to be depressed about?" I'm so sorry for your loss - lots of love.